To exist in the here and now can be extremely difficult, especially around Christmas and for me it is the dark nights and cold air that really triggers it even more.
I currently struggle with different forms of loneliness.
The first form seems to take hold when it is late at night. I am lying in bed alone, and my heart sinks. I feel swells of emotion as I realise that I have no one to cuddle, and no sign of that scenario changing any time soon. That feeling seems to linger and it takes all my strength to re-communicate to my heart that one day everything will be ok again and that one day I will meet someone to share my life with. That thought process takes all the strength I can muster to return to “OK”.
The second form is a bit more wibbly and hard to describe as a solid form. It is an overwhelming sensation that I am a burden and that I do not feel comfortable taking up people’s time with the stuff that goes on in my head. It is like complicated orchestral swing music is playing in my mind, but without having any speakers to be able to play it through. Not only do I feel like a burden, but I also feel like everyone is too busy (even when they are not) and that my thoughts and feelings are not important enough to pick up a phone and trouble anyone else with. If I do end up speaking to someone on the phone, I feel like I am trying to cram 5,000,000 words into 3 seconds because I have spent so much time on my own with my own thoughts, and then halfway through explaining what is happening with me I suddenly feel extremely guilty and like a huge burden again and then try to side-track and focus on the person I’m speaking to. It feels like I never get to the end of the song and instead play just a quarter of 8 different songs because I feel like I am going to run out of time before I can say what I completely meant to say. Then I feel guilty for feeling like this and go back into a world of not saying my thoughts again until I am accidentally talking to someone else, and then I hope dearly that it is someone I know well enough to be able to be honest with and get all my thoughts out to, and that the person knows me well enough not to judge me for clearly defragmenting my brain in their company because I am so obviously spending too much time on my own.
See what I mean?
The third form is when I am finally in the mood to be in others company that I still have a sense of feeling alienated and feel uncomfortable and like people are struggling to understand exactly what I mean, and so I often just say “I’m fine” because it is easier and people I don’t know so well will hopefully not judge me for clearly being lonely.
I abhor asking for help.
I hate being a burden.
I enjoy my own company, but I despise not having someone close to talk to.
I feel alone and unsafe with a brain that goes at 2 thousand miles an hour.
I do stupid things like watch Love Actually whilst on my own.
That was a fucking stupid idea.
If you feel anything like I do… truly… you are not on your own. Hopefully, neither am I.
I just wish loneliness would… well… jog on.
I guess I am trying to say, it is OK not to be OK.
Here’s to carrying on.
All my love as ever.