Thirty-Something

So… It has come to this. For a second year running I am still going to be poorly on my birthday. This is not cracking news to be honest. I’ve never had muscle aches and joint pains like this before. It seems I’m having a reaction to the injections along with the other Crohn’s meds I’m on at the moment. I feel utterly exhausted and everything is taking 4 times the effort to do so I’m out of breath after even taking the bin 20Yds down the road. Thankfully I’ve managed to get some Steroids in time for my birthday, which means I’ve a fighting chance of starting to get better sometime soon. How long is anybody’s guess though.

I seemed to be doing really well for ages too. Sadly when I stopped my last Steroids back in July I’ve been nauseous ever since, and as yet I’ve not actually had a colonoscopy or pill camera come back clear, which means I’ve been tackling this disease without remission for nearly 2 years now.

I think I am nearly there. I am hoping that these new injections will mean that I go into full remission, but that is expected to kick in in another 2 weeks’ time, and my body is not having a good time of it while it awaits this super boost.

My body at the moment is telling me to Eff Off on a daily basis. I feel like I’ve had a boxing match with Mohammed “I’m ‘Ard” Bruce Lee. I just wish I could see the future. I could also be on infusions in 6 months’ time for all I know. This disease seems to have dealt me a rather rocky road but I can only hope that the journey is about to get easier.

I’m not really celebrating my birthday as such this year. I am another year older but with a lot more pain under my belt and that does not need celebrating. What does need celebrating is that I haven’t given up yet. I’m still going and I will not let this beat me.

It’s hard to be Ryan sometimes. I don’t mean it’s harder to be me than to be you. I mean that it is hard for me to be able to be my normal fun loving self when I have so many symptoms and pains weighing me down all the time. I don’t mean to be a bore, or to repeat myself, or to make myself out to be some victim. I’m not. I’m just trying to deal with the pain that has come my way and sometimes it is too much to bear. Ryan never really vanishes though, he just isn’t invincible.

I intend to come back fitter and stronger than I’ve ever been before once this phase of the journey sees fit to lighten up. I need to be back in control of doing the things I love and not just glued to my chair as it’s the comfiest position I can stomach most of the time at the moment.

I’m bursting inside to get back out there and to drop this gremlin from my back. I just need a little bit of luck to fall my way, and I’ll never look back, and just move forwards into doing everything I love.

That’s the dream.

That is what I need.

A break.

Ryan Mitchell-Smith

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